Catch up stress ball.

I am writing this from a train. To me this fact is a wonder and a joy. This train has comfortable seats, a table for my laptop, and receptacles to plug in to. I love trains. I especially love trains that are tech friendly. If only it had Wi-fi so I could check my email.

I haven’t posted for the last few days because I have been hiding out at the Homies’. It has been an odd mix of staying in my cave and popping out for jaunts in the city. I have forced myself to do work instead of going out and playing. Eating in instead of eating out. This is a good thing. As usual, I have had some moments of paralytic fear. The idea of investing ALL this money (not my money) in living and working has me trembling from head to foot. Having a place to retreat to (and a T.V. to distract me) has been a good way to ease into the cold, cold, deep end. Every other moment (and every time I write a check) I CANNOT believe I am doing this.

When I was up at Mammy and Poppy’s and I told the gym people to move ahead with the paperwork, Poppy had a VERY enthusiastic reaction. It was SO enthusiastic (and I was so scared) I just kind of shut down. I think he had a real appreciation for my (even if reluctant) entrepreneurial spirit. For the last few hours, the memory of his reaction is the only thing that kept me from collapsing in the corners of government buildings and shaking until the fellows in white coats took me away. Thanks Poppy! After all, a life lived in fear, is a life half lived.

I find myself walking down the street, head held high, displaying a confidence I’m not sure I've got. I feel like I am acting, saying to this big city, I get to win…I can take you on. All the while Poppy’s smile and handshake playing on a loop in my head.

Have spoken a couple of times with Mr. Vermont. I just love that boy. It is important to me to see him do well. I wish I could take his advice on my romantic life, but my experience tells me I know best. Speaking with him makes me realize how self-centric all this work/living fear has made me.

Speaking of romance, much of my business today took me to city hall. At every turn there were couples registering to get married, or actually taking their vows. My heart felt good (a good sign) watching their excitement, their hesitation, their sweetness, and also remembering the Homies, and what their same action has led to.

Oh, and Uncle P gave me a ride to the city. I really think he wants someone to talk to, which I did, so it was good.